“Avast!” your crazy uncle shouts on
National Speak Like a Pirate Day
Because it’s something he read on AOL
Hard to get him to upgrade since he’s stubborn
Stubborn enough to keep the thousand CDs
he got in the mail
HTTP 404 ERROR PAGE NOT FOUND
Except he thought it was the area code for Atlanta
Which is useless when trying to buy wholesale
Canadian Pez online secretly
Secretly since his instant messenger buddies
Believe Kosher Pez is a myth
It’s not
It tastes like bacon
Bacon and the shame of cam girls
It’s just something else that someone tried to bastardize
"Bastardize these bastard eyes!"
He’ll shout while often contorting the subtext of "Grumpy Cat"
So you distract him with fantasy MMOs,
A task impossible,
Impossible since they’re full of triggers, acting darkly
“Darkly,” he starts
“The dragons make me drink whiskey!
”Whiskey makes me see the dragons!”
So you suggest to him searching recipes for his favorite foods
Alta Vista’ing “sausage and beef” made his eyes burst
Burst, your bubble went down different dot.coms of the global village
He met his third wife trying to write his will online
And his third divorce lawyer through a dating site strangely
Strangely, you and your crazy uncle still can LOL
Maybe even ROTFL or ROTFLMFAO
Your sister looks at you and with her sage five year old wisdom
she says "You're going to be my kids' crazy uncle."
In response you slip into your Christopher Walken voice
and slap a hand over your right socket like a patch
"Aye, and, I, have, one, eye."
P-)
-
Kyle Brandon Lee is a Texas born and raised writer of poetry, prose and plays. As a graduate of the University of Texas at Dallas with a degree in Literary Studies, he has published multiple short stories, poems and non-fiction pieces. These include works at Mirror Dance, El Portal and Door is a Jar. If someday they open an old and dusty tome made of pecan bark and armadillo hide, perhaps they’ll find his work within. Hopefully, it will be plentiful.
